Plague
by Desirae
Summary: Sara's past comes back to haunt her while dealing with an abused boy. N/S


**Plague  
  
**

Title: Plague  
**Author: **Desirae  
**Rating: **PG-13 to R  
**Summary: **Sara's past comes to surface when the stress of cases snaps her.   
**Disclaimer: **I do not own any of the CSI characters. Any other characters are solely mine. Any resemblance that a character or case has to the real world is strictly coincidental. N/S Angst  
  
The memories chase after me the same way the evidence does to the guilty. Stalking them down until there is nothing that they can do except have their mask melt off leaving them barren with nothing to hid behind. I know the memories are smelling the fear and pain that is coming off me. It keeps building a strong case against me. Knowing that I can't deny what doesn't lie. Evidence...truth.  
  
I shake a little knowing that I won't be able to handle the out come. I've built myself around doing what I couldn't do.  
  
Leaning against the door frame I continue to stare at her. She's been looking at that document for a good 13 minutes now. I've come to conclusion that she's not reading, just thinking. She's been doing that a lot lately. Not paying attention and drifting off. Not the same woman I fell for a couple of years ago. After Pam Adler's case she shifted and molded into a different woman. One that doesn't flash that toothy grin I've come to admire and love. Or how her eyes would sparkle when she was on a case and knowing that the evidence was getting stronger. Now...now she just goes through the motions. Doing what was expected of her. Not loving what she is doing, just doing it.  
  
  
  
I snap my head up from the file that's been in front of me. Oh...uh...Nick hey. I begin to spin my pen faster in my fingers. Twirling it around and controlling the movements. A sign that I do have some sort of control.  
  
You okay? I look at her intently and know that she'll lie, but still hoping she'll lower the wall a little. Enough for me to scale over.  
  
Yeah. Why...why wouldn't I be? I try to avoid eye contact with him. Nick's always been able to call me when I'm lying.  
  
C'mon...I can tell somethings up. I stop as I hear the rest of the team's voices in the hallway. I place my hands on either side of her and lean into her back. We're not finished. I quickly pull away leaving her breathing heavy.  
  
I can smell his cologne. It's a spicy smell mixed with after shave and soap. I take another deep breath as he whispers in my ear. He pushes away just as quickly as he came and I feel a twinge of pain. I don't want to get involved with Nick, especially when I'm still not sure how to deal with Grissom. I turn my chair and look up as the team begins to sit on the sofa and chairs.  
  
Man what's going on with you and Sara?  
  
Shrugging my shoulder. Nothing. She's just having a rough week.  
  
More like a rough month. She's been on the edge for way to long. She's in need of some action.  
  
I shake my head and glance at her somber face once more before straddling the chair backwards.  
  
Okay what do we have?  
  
I look at Grissom as he sits next to Catherine on the black leather sofa. I know he's gonna ask me what I discovered from the file. The file I've just been starring at for too long. I take a slow deep breath. I can't handle his questions. This case has taken a toil on me along with the whole team. Although these types of cases usually cause a domino affect. One person gets attached and it spreads like a wild disease.  
  
Warrick, Catherine?  
  
We think we found the weapon. We found a bat in the suspects house. Not sure if it's the murder weapon, we've got Greg running it now.  
  
Good. If the blood matches to Lucas's then we'll interview him again. We'll need Brass on it the minute we know. I don't want him to slip through again. Sara?  
  
Nothing yet. I see the look on his face and I cringe inwards. Disappointment. I hate that. I'm still working on analyzing the fibers, it's almost done. Just need to do another test or two. I look at the team. They all have the same look. Although there's is more in the shocked category. Sara Sidle didn't get all her work done along with trying to do everyone's else's at the same time.   
  
Sara, can I talk to you outside for a moment.  
  
Nodding I stand up. Following Grissom out in the hallway and closing the large glass door. What's up?  
  
Sara, I know you've been off, but right now I need you on your best. I'm not telling Lucas's family that we couldn't nail his killer and that we gave him a loop hole.  
  
I know Grissom. I just have a lot on my mind. Shaking my head I realize that all he wants from me is to do my job. Not worried about why this is affecting me...just wanting me to do my job. This was Grissom and I knew that. He doesn't get attached, he stays cold and does his job. Why did I ever think he would want something more from me. Right then I feel his hard stare on me and I want to scream.   
  
You're letting this be personal Sara. I thought you understood...  
  
How couldn't I Grissom? An innocent boy was killed because he was afraid to disobey! This is affecting the whole team. Not just me!  
  
I know this is hard but you can't let yourself get attached.  
  
I fold my arms across my chest and I know I'm letting my anger get the best of me.  
  
Why don't you take a day or two off. Get regrouped.  
  
Because I don't want to regroup! I wanna catch this bastard! Can't you understand this!  
  
You know I hate pulling rank, but your off the case. At least until you get control back. I can't have this case tainted. I'm sorry.  
  
I clinch my jaw from saying anything. That's not fair Grissom. You know that! When Catherine gets attached you're fine with it! You give her a little talk and that's it! Why me? Why me! I look at him and I know my body language is screaming at him with anger.  
  
Because you're beyond attached. You're letting this control you and I can't have that. Your my best CSI Sara and I can't have you running on empty and then leaving. Go home and I'll tell the rest of the team.  
  
Looking inside I see them all starring at the scene that was just played out. I smile weakly at Nick and turn on my heels.   
  
She's destroyed. I just have to look at her and realize how badly she really is. I didn't think it went so far. But now I know it does. Whatever she's going through is eating her alive and Grissom just fed the monsters. What was that all about?  
  
Sara's off the case for a couple of days.  
  
I stand up and cause my chair to crash to the ground making a loud noise. Why would you pull her off the case?  
  
She's getting to attached Nick. You know I can't let that destroy this case. I shake my head. I understand why this case is taking a toil on me but having Sara getting attached to the little boy that was beaten to death just doesn't make sense  
  


~*~  
  


Throwing my bag in the back of my Tahoe I quickly pick up my pace as I head towards the driver's side door. I don't want to have Catherine trying to calm me down or anyone else telling me it's going to be okay. It's not ever going to be okay and I wish people would quit trying!   
  
I put my keys in the ignition and start up the Tahoe. I turn up my music while backing up from my parking stall. I look in the review mirror, I need to get away from here.   
  


~*~  
  


I don't know how I actually ended up parking the Tahoe beside some shrugs outside of Las Vegas on some old dirt road. But here I am. I wiggle myself closer to the edge. My feet are hanging over the edge with my hands hold myself in a sitting position. I use to come here all the time. To clear my head, but I haven't been here in a long time. The stars are still in the sky with the moon lighting up the dessert. It's beautiful at this time of night. So often I never get to see this site. Normally I'd be at a crime scene or in the lab trying to make the evidence stronger. To find the missing piece to the puzzle. I feel my lips tug into a smile. Evidence, always coming back to the evidence.  
  
Closing my eyes I let the soft wind kiss my cheeks. I regret not following the evidence. Turning my back on what I knew even when I was so young. I feel a tear spill over and run down my cheek. I hang my head in complete shame. Saving yourself on every case... A task that was wearing me thin. This case especially. Lucas Stanford was beaten with a bat and then dumped in the park.  
  
Often I've pondered why people destroy another human in order to give them advantage. Some cases it's to save themselves from a mistake that they had made. Dealing with it in a diplomatic way would be to difficult. Killing someone is so much easier. Shaking my head in disgust. You think after watching the news and hearing about criminals being put into jail they'd learn that violence wasn't the answer. They never do, and another DB will be found. Life sucked out of them because of some twisted human not wanting to take ownice for their actions. I hate myself...  
  


~*~  
  


I drive up to her apartment and hope to see the familiar Tahoe parked in front. Letting a sigh of relief as I see it parked in her usual parking spot. Reaching to the passenger's seat I grab the bag of Denny's food.   
  
Slowly I walk up the stairs to her place. Loudly I knock on the door and isn't surprised to hear the dead bolts break free. I lift up the food as she swings the door open. Brought you breakfast. I smile and it grows when she smiles back.  
  
Nick you didn't need to bring me breakfast.  
  
Well in that case I'll just eat.  
  
Good try, but I was just being polite. What'd you bring me? I look into his dark pools of chocolate and feel my defenses melt a little more. Just one look...isn't that a song?  
  
She's beautiful even when she's a mess. Didn't your mother teach you patience is a virtue.  
  
Didn't your mother teach you not to tease a hungry woman? C'mon what'd you bring me? I plop down on the stool, resting my elbows on the island. Turning my body I look at him.  
  
Never could resist a beautiful girl. Shocked I look at her trying to gauge her reaction. Rather then a disgusted look I get a real smile. Relaxing a bit I sit next to her. I got you some bacon...sausage... Checking out her face from the corner of my eye I smile even more. She is adorable when she doesn't know what to say.  
  
Please say he didn't bring me that...stuff.  
  
I turn and look at her with puppy eyes. Sara, I know you're a vegetarian. But you have to admit your face was priceless. I got you eggs, over hard just the way you like. A fruit salad...toast...and a tall glass of orange juice.  
  
Tears form in my eyes. I don't even know why they're there. Maybe just from the fact that he remembered. Remembered that I didn't eat meat and got my favorite order. Or the fact that he went out of his way to do something special for me.   
  
Seeing the tears well up in her eyes breaks my heart.   
  
Quickly I look down. Thanks Nick. Slowly I lift my gaze and look at him again. I'm hungry. He must've caught on and he quickly drops the subject. Leaving me with my own thoughts and fruit salad.  
  


~*~  
  


I watch as she brings the coffee. Her hands are a little shaky and I gently place my hand over the two cups. I look her in the eye. Wanna talk about it?  
  
Placing the cups in the steady hands of Nick I simply shrug my shoulders. Nothing to talk about. Music? I move as he nods his head. Scanning my selection I see some country. I think I got it as a gag gift from a coworker in San Francisco. Nothing like Garth Brooks. I place the CD into my stereo and bring the remote back to my sofa.  
  
I smile as the country music comes through. Thought you hated this music.  
  
I do...but you like it. I smile at him as he gives me a full genuine Nicholas Stokes smile.  
  
Watching as she moves and sits next to me but without touching me at all. Making no contact. I heard about you being pulled from the case. That's something to talk about.  
  
Well you know that I was pulled, that's really all there is to talk about.  
  
That's bullshit and you know it. I know passionate you were about this case.  
  
I quickly counter his statement. We all were Nick, even you.  
  
I can understand Catherine being affected, it deals with children. I can understand Grissom from that case of the boy that he found before. Even Warrick...but you...I don't get it.  
  
There's nothing to get Nick. Why are you so passionate? I try to gauge his reaction but it's not at all what I expected. Total darkness goes onto his face.   
  
I shift nervously. I was silently praying that she wouldn't ask me why I was so passionate about this case. That I wouldn't have to expose myself to her and let her in. But this is Sara and I should've known that she would push for the truth. Who wouldn't?  
  
You just said that I shouldn't be affected by it.  
  
It's different Sara.  
  
I shake my head and let out a sigh. You want _me_ to tell _you_ what's going on but yet _you_ won't let _me_ in? That's not how I work Nick. I thought you knew that? Quickly I stand up. I'm gonna go clean up. You can let yourself out. I walk to my bedroom but stop at the door. Oh and Nick? Thanks for the breakfast. I close the door behind and slump to the floor. I don't get what just happened. We were having a really good morning and then he just gets all spooked. Pulling myself up I shake my head.  
  
You should've told her Nick! Why the hell won't you just ell her. I mean she has a point, why would she tell you everything if you're not willing to do the same. I look around the room, it was empty not a lot of childhood memories. No pictures of her parents or family members. Only a single picture on the shelf. I walk slowly over to it and smile. It was taken last Christmas. The whole team was there, including Brass, Al, and Greg. That was a good night. Sara had such a good time. I miss those times. I look back at the closed door. I'm not leaving Sara until we talk. Walking over to the front door I open and then lose it, allowing her to believe that I've left. Instead I go back and sit on the couch and wait.  
  


~*~  
  


I listen as the door closes and I smile. He's gone and I'm alone again. Brushing the hair out of my face I look into the mirror. I know I shouldn't have kicked him out like that. Nick was just trying to help to make me feel better. To get me to open up...I just...I can't let him in that part of me. I'm scared...too scared some would say. But some haven't gone through what I have.  
  
A couple minutes later I pull my hair up and open the door. I head straight to the kitchen and turn on kettle to prepare a warm pot of tea. Turning around I go to lock the door and stop as the latch is already in place along with the three dead bolts.   
  
I thought you would want it to be locked.  
  
I spin around and see Nick sitting there smiling at me. I thought you left.  
  
I stand up and walk over to her until she's backed against the wall. We haven't talked yet.  
  
My back is pressed against my door and I feel my body temperature rise as he steps closer. Why are you pushing this Nick?  
  
I shake my head as I continue to look in to her eyes. They're dark and guarded. I'm not leaving until we talk about this.  
  
My voice was pleading and begging him to stop with the questions and pushing. Before I know what's going on his hand is on my cheek and is gently rubbing.   
  
Sara, somethings going on and I want to help. You've changed, you aren't the same woman anymore. Just let me in...please. What are you afraid of?  
  
What are you afraid of?  
  
Afraid that I won't be able to save you from whatever is plaguing you. I brush a hair out of her face. What about you?  
  
I can't Nick. I can't tell you...I'm sorry. I'm sure he can tell that I'm totally deflated and have no energy anymore. Hopefully he won't realize that if he pushes, even, just a little more that I'll break.  
  
I watch as the emotions run across her face. I'm sorry Sara because I can't do that. I can't watch you destroy yourself. I care too much to watch that and know that I didn't do everything that I could.   
  
My eyes well with tears and I choke a little.   
  
I gently grab her arm and bring her back to the couch. Sit down.  
  
I comply and scoot next to him. His warm body close to mine. I haven't told anyone this. I mean this isn't something that you just mention to someone. I...I don't know if I...I can do this.  
  
Grabbing her hand I enfold it in mine.   
  
I wasn't very old and...I didn't know any better. I just...I just didn't want to disappoint them. I wanted to be the good girl. To do what was right...but I couldn't do that. I didn't do that. Swallowing I look at him. You'll be disgusted with me after this. I wish I could change the past. I look up at him with pleading eyes please don't hate me. I allowed him to move my hands. To be the puppeteer. To have complete control and for me to be so helpless. Nick, you know how much I hate being helpless. And I was helpless. Tormented and...damnit I shouldn't have let him do that. I touched him...not because I wanted too, because I was young and scared that my parents would look down at me. I've never told anyone. Ever. To ashamed...to disappointed in myself.  
  
My eyes well with tears. Sara...come here. I open my arms and wrap her in them. Her tears begin to soak my shirt and I cry out for help inwards. I would never be disgusted at you for this. I just look at you with a stronger respect. You've gone to hell, danced with the devil and have over come it all. You should've have to go through this alone. I'm here Sara...always.  
  
I raise my face to his level. I know what look is on my face, I've starred at it so many damn times. I...every case...every case I go through it's an attempt to fix the wrongs. To fix what I couldn't do when I was younger. To bring justice the women that couldn't do it on their own.  
  
Sara, you can't take on the world.  
  
Nick you can't understand what it's like. To have this thing attack you all the time. I feel his finger on my lips and I stop talking.  
  
But I do. Because I've been through this too Sar. I've danced with the devil.  
  
  
  
I choke back a sob and tell her the torment. I feel out of my body, like it isn't really happening. That this isn't me allowing her past my guard and into a place that is kept shut all the time. Her arms wrap about my neck and I cry softly into her neck. Her tears kiss my warm body and I just continue to hold her. Holding each other as the secrets are thrown on the table and I realize that we are both still standing.  
  


~*~  
  


I walk into the lab with Nick's hand covering mine. I give a gentle squeeze and turn to face him. Thanks for last night. I needed you.  
  
I needed you too Sarah. I'll be in the break room. I lean down and give her a small kiss on the forehead.  
  
I place my hand on the door knob and pray for the best. Hey Gris, I need to talk to you.  
  
I watch him pull his glasses of his face. You're pulled why are you here?  
  
Because I talked to someone a couple of nights ago. I've got control again. It was extremely unprofessional the way I acted, and I'm sorry. No more slip ups, I'm in control.  
  
Who'd you talk to?  
  
Nick. So, am I back on?  
  
I watch him nod his head. Just remember Sara don't taint the evidence with your emotions. We all want this guy, and we'll get him. You're with Nick.  
  
I give him a toothy grin and walk towards the break room and here Nick laughter. I stand in the door way and watch him tease Greg. Hey guys.  
  
I stop as her voice enters the room. I smile at her and walk over to her.   
  
I'm back. Instantly I feel his hand take mine and squeeze it.   
  
Good. Let's get this guy. She nods her head and we turn and leave the break room. I was going over that document yesterday and the fibers match up with our suspects clothing. He said that he didn't see Lucas for the last three days.   
  
So, should we bring him in for questioning?  
  
Brass is suppose to be bringing him into interview room 3. Let's watch. I place my hand on the small of her back and lead her. Her warmth brings a shock to my body. Even through her shirt her skin feel soft.  
  
I look through the glass and watch as Brass brings him in. He destroyed that boy because he was willing to stand up for what he knew was right. He was courageous and strong. I listen as Brass grills him and then allows Grissom in on the fun. I knew it wouldn't take long for the guy to break, but as he did I wanted to vomit. I keep starring at him as he tells how he killed him and why. That he wasn't going to loose his business and respect because of some child. Some child. Nick presses his body against mine and rest into him. I wasn't expecting anything to happen with Nick, it was never part of my plan. He just...happened. It seems like I long for his touch when he isn't there. I look up and a tear runs down my cheek again. The little boy wasn't plagued anymore and neither were we.   
  
I move my hand and wipe the stray tear off her cheek. It's over Sara, it's over.


End file.
